I'm having some problems solidifying exactly what is bothering me at the moment. However...i can pin down what is causing these thoughts.

Today i had a good discussion with a friend at work about relationships. Namely, my inability to function normally in a relationship. Anyway...a thought struck me. It would appear that i set men up to fail. I push them away under the pretense of being honesty. While not a bad approach...i try to make it difficult for them to want a relationship with me. But then i get angry when they hold me at arms length or push me away. A line from a Fiona Apple song rings particularly true "I think he let me down when he didn't disappoint me."

So while i was considering all this i call my dad. My mom had her surgery today (she's fine). And my dad took today off, and just sat in the hospital waiting room until my mom got out of surgery. And then he sat around the hospital until they sent her home. He's also staying home all next week, not because my mom will need his help, the surgery is minor and she should be fine in a few days. No...he's staying home with my mom, because he knows my mom will not want to sit around. She'll get bored and she'll overdo it and then she'll end up being in pain a lot longer. Having a prestigious job will not keep me from being alone when I have to have surgery. Having a high power career will not guarantee that there will be someone there who knows me so well that he will take a week of work just to make sure i don't overdo things. Making more money will not make me feel less alone when i'm old.

I despise people who think money will make them happy. Brett was like that, and we argued about it all the time. I would tell him that money would not buy him happiness, and he needed to do what made him happy, and not what would make him money. I almost considered myself superior in a way, because I thought i was above that materialistic view. But i'm not. I'm materialistic in a different way. I don't care about the money, but I want the prestige. I want the recognition, I want to be "someone". While having a good career, and being known in my field would make me feel good...ultimately it wouldn't make me happy.

I'm not saying that I won't pursue my dreams of a good career. I am not compromising the beliefs that i hold. Today it just occured to me that perhaps i wasn't looking at the whole picture. For so long I've only focused on my career and where i planned to go with it. It's the only thing i can really control.

I'm not looking for advice. I know what all my faithful readers will say. Go forth with your career and consider nothing else (with the exception of hayley, she'll say relax and stop worrying). I just need to think out loud.