Well...so once again my all or nothing attitude has gotten me in a world of hurt. It has been said of me that in life and love...i am far too demanding. But...is it really demanding when you realize that you won't be happy with anything less than what you're asking for. And is it really being demanding when you are willing to give as much or more than what you are demanding from others? Clearly through all my relationship experience...i still have a lot to learn.

So...i forgot how wonderful therapeutic shopping can be! It is fabulous for your soul...but...not so good for your wallet. Ah well...i'm a working woman...i can swing it. Anyway...i bought some fantastic shoes that i've been looking at for like 6 months and two great skirts! I'm so excited. Oh and let's not forget the free pair of underwear i got at Victoria Secret. Hehehe. Nothing cheers me up more than underwear shopping. I can't quite explain why that is true. But it's something about wearing something sexy that no one else knows about that makes me feel good. All women understand this concept.

So this day has totally turned around. It started out terrible, but ended pretty great b/c i have some new clothes...and more importantly new shoes! (like i really need them) And while men are great...they will never replace a great pair of shoes. Great shoes will always support you...and always compliment your figure. Ah...i love shoes!

"I wanted you to know, i love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away."

Seether has a new album either out or coming out soon...and i can't wait until i can hear it. I'm sure it will be fantastic. Or at least i hope it will. Audioslave also came out with a new album and i also want that CD as well.

"The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high you steal my pain away."

Well...today has been quite a day i must say. But first...let me just touch on yesterday. So yesterday...we had to go to Indy for a unit meeting to discuss exam guideline changes...and it was just ridiculous. It lasted from 10-3 with only 2 five minute breaks. Needless to say by the time we got back to the lab in Fort Wayne by 5:15 i was far past ready to be out of there. This is not a good week for me to be dealing with people who have differing opinions. Proof once again that i need to work on this whole patience thing.

On to the events of today. I'm sure you will all find this moderately amusing...and i'm sure i will think so too...tomorrow.

So for starters last night i had the most horrible dream that i'd rather not talk about. But bottom line...i slept like shit. So then i get up this morning and get ready to take a shower. So i hop in to the running water...only to see a spider with HUGE black eyes staring at me from the shower curtain. Well naturally i'm terrified of spiders so i FREAK out and jump out of the shower. Promptly getting water all over the bathroom floor. So i decide to knock it into the tub so it can get washed down the drain. So i lift up my clothe shower curtain so i can thump the plastic one and knock the spider off...only to discover to my horror that the spider is on MY side of the shower curtain! So i almost touched it! Well..i scream again b/c i'm a girl and then my dog comes charging into the bathroom barking his head off (which i think is his only act of bravery ever). After a few seconds of composing myself i lift the clothe shower curtain back up and look for the spider so i can knock it into the tub. But i don't see it anywhere. So i put my glasses back on and i'm looking everywhere. I'm looking in the tub...on the plastic shower curtain...on the clothe curtain...on the floor...on me, and i just don't see it anywhere! So i hop back in the shower and go up to the showerhead and get wet and look over only to see the spider right at eye level with me!!! So of course i scream once again...and jump out of the shower. Getting even more water everywhere. So i get ready for one more attempt to get rid of the spider. Well...i build up enough nerve to grab a hand towel and brush the spider into the tub. So I stand up on the toilet in case the spider goes onto the floor instead. So i hit the spider with the towel...but it has it's little webby thingy out and it's clinging to the shower curtain and then crawling back up its web. Well...finally i knock it into the shower...but i don't see it go down the drain. Well...after a little bit, i have enough nerve to get back in...and as i turn around to get the shampoo...i see the spider shooting out from under the bath mat into the drain. So that was quite the tramatic experience for me this morning. I came about thisclose to not taking a shower this morning. There was more to this day...but i don't really feel like relating it right now. So maybe tomorrow. Anyway...i've discovered that you can really tell you care about someone...when the only thing you want to do at the end of a bad day is come home and hear their voice.

Well...this was a relatively uneventful weekend. Very much like all weekends. I pretty much yesterday just took my dog to the groomer...washed and cleaned out my car...and then watched the sixth season of Sex in the City. I finished watching the rest of that season today and i just bawled my eyes out. However...there was an incredible quote from the very last episode that i think very succinctly describes exactly what i'm looking for...

"I am someone who wants love. Real love. Ridiculous. Inconvenient. Consuming. Can't live without each other love."

Although i always try and pretend like i'm totally unromantic and don't really care about those things...in the end...i want a hollywood ending. Like Carrie i want Big to fly to Paris and rescue me from the Russian. Do you think that kind of thing actually exists in real life? Or is it something only for movies? I hope the latter is not true. As much as i hate to admit it...i'm a hopeless romantic. If it were appropriate for women to do so (as in...if men would actually appreciate these gestures), i would be the kind that would show up on the doorstep of the man that i love with flowers and an open heart just asking for the opportunity to love with all of my soul. I would write a song if i was musical...or a poem if i was gifted with the correct words. if i were a painter i would paint a masterpiece. You get the jist. As a chemist...i suppose the thing most appropriate for me to do would be design a chemical reaction that would demonstrate how i felt. I'm afraid though it would be illegal...something about bomb making being against the law in this country. :-)

So no one else has voted on my sun sign so i guess we're gonna go with scorpio.

I think my neighbor has finally stopped moving and what not...b/c i don't hear as much noise anymore. In the saga of car pranking this morning when i went out to my car i saw a balloon shaped into a penis hanging on someone antennae. I found it highly amusing. It makes me think of something i would have done to jackie in college.

There isn't really much else for me to say...like i said earlier this weekend wasn't overly exciting. Dianna is coming next weeking...so that will be more exciting...and then the following weekend andy my former roommate is coming for a visit. :-) So the next two weekends will be more exciting than the recent weekends.

I almost forgot!!!

so far the poll for my horoscope of choice is 2-1 scorpio. But there's still time to vote...so get to the polls and let me know which sun sign i am!!!

So...on to my horoscope(s)...from www.msn.com

Sagittarius:

You could content yourself with saying that it isn't the moment yet, dear Sagittarius. You will know what we are talking about. You are in the situation of someone who has just ordered a new car, a rare, imported model that won't be ready for four months. While you are waiting you are going to have to keep busy. Why not brush up on your driving skills? Or better yet, take a "crash" course on car racing...

Scorpio:

How impatient you are, dear Scorpio! Once more, you struggle to be in control of everything in your relationships. You want all ideas and plans to emanante from you. Unfortunately, the configureations of the day are going to bring you back to the drawing board. Perhaps it is time to reconsider your approach. Why not let life take its own course for a change? Set your oars down to see where the current takes you...

Oh the irony...

So...today was kinda a blah friday. The weather was mediocre...but if it had been a scoche warmer it would have been good. So...today i'm struggling with some inner conflicts...and i'm likely to explode on the first person to push the wrong button. So...tread lightly. So...once again the male gender has baffled me. Just when i think i have them all figured out...they do something to totally lose me again. Why can't men just...say what they mean...and mean what they say...I think i've discovered what my problem is though right now...and why i feel on the verge of bursting about 80% of the time. I have all this passion...and no one to use it on. I have all these witty jokes...but no one to tell them to. I have a lot of love...and no one to give it to. So i have all these feelings...and no release for them. I gotta figure out how to be passionate...witty...and love...that doesn't involve other people...i guess this is the final transition to living alone. Sometimes it really sucks. Maybe i need a roommate or something. Anyone wanna move to fort wayne? So...i've decided i really hate self-censorship...and sometimes when someone makes a wrong decision...or maybe a decision for the wrong reason...i just want to shake them and say look in front of you for god sake and quit your bitchin'...of course...i'm sure several people have thought that about me on more than one occasion. I mean...for shit's sake...it took me a really long time to get all my shit together...i think maybe too long. Well...when people go from high school to college they reinvent themselves. I suppose you can do it between college and real life too. So...here's to a long arduous process of unwanted change. I'm sure tomorrow i'll be a little more positive...it's just been a tough...emotional week. Thanks for putting me in my place...sometimes i forget...but this will be the last time.

I've been running a little low on ideas for blogging...so i thought of this one on the way to work. Alright...so i don' t put much stock into horoscopes and what not...but i still read them for the hell of it. Now...being born on Nov. 21 it turns out that i'm actually two signs instead of one. I'm a Scorpio as well as a Sagitarrius. So...we're gonna take a little poll and which sign you think suits me best. Not that any of this is overly important...but hey...if you're reading my blog you obviously don't have anything better to do. Alrighty...so...here follows an overview of scorpio characteristics.

Determined, forceful, emotional, intuitive, powerful, passionate, exciting, magnetic, jealous, resentful, compulsive, obsessive, secretive, obstinate.

Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.

Likes: Truth, hidden causes, being involved, work that is meaningful, being persuasive

Dislikes: being given only surface data, taken advantage of, demeaning jobs, shallow relationships, flattery and flattering

Also we're supposed to be serious sexual creatures and just ooze sex

And now for Sagittarius:

Optimistic, freedom loving, jovial, good humored, honest, straight forward, intellectual, philosophical, blindly optimistic, careless, irresponsible, superficial, tactless, restless

Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed. Their strongly idealistic natures can also suffer many disappointments without being affected. They are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere, with a passion for justice. They are usually on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.

Think crunchy hippie here...

So...let me know what you think...it'll give me something to read for a change...

I saw something highly amusing on tv this morning while i was watching the news. An animated commercial comes on and it shows elephants stomping all over Washington. Tearing down the white house, the capitol building...all sorts of stuff...and a voice over criticizes radical republicans and accuses them of trying to take over the entire government. The commercial goes on about that tone...only at the end to reveal that it is sponsored by Senator Luger of Indiana...who...is a republican!! I found that highly amusing. So my computer doesn't seem to be giving me the same kind of grief it was giving me before...which is good news for me...but bad news for Dell...b/c i'm gonna put off buying a new computer.

So...on the plan of action i discussed yesterday in my post...you know..making decisions to make me happy...i took a first step in that today...i did suffer a setback...but...i guess rebuilding yourself requires pushing through. At least i can say that i tried...and i won't wonder what if anymore...so on to the next decision to ensure my happiness. I haven't figured out what that is yet....i'm just taking this one day at a time...so...eventually i'll come up with something.

So tonight is part 1 of the Lost season finale...i'm super excited...it's going to be fabulous. Also i got all my mass specs done at work today so i don't have to do it tomorrow...woohoo. I had a ton of them to do b/c lucky me...i had stuff unextractable.

To end...i will leave you with some lyrics that never grow old...and always speak true no matter what i'm feeling...

I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause i'm broken when i'm open
and i don't feel like i am strong enough
cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel light when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
i wanna hold you high you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Cause i'm broken when i'm open
and i don't feel like i am strong enough
cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel right when you're gone away

Cause i'm broken when i'm open
and i don't feel like i am strong enough
cause i'm broekn when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel light when you're gone away

so...if any of you have noticed a cheerier disposition about myself...that would be a correct observation. Things have been looking up beautifully. The weather is getting progressively better...work is definitely much more exciting...and it would appear that i'm starting to get on track. So...woohoo! So one thing i've discovered about living alone...you do a lot...and i do mean A LOT of introspection. In fact...most nights...all i do is sit around and think about the meaning of life...where i want my life to go...and...what i would do if i knew i only had one day left to live. Well...while i'm still working on all three of these topics...i'm coming closer to some answers. But...i do know...that out of life...i want to be happy (duh)...and more importantly...i need to make decisions that will bring this about. So...that's what i'm doing. I also want to make sure the people important in my life know that...of course that's what everyone says...and then when it's too late...we always moan that we never got to say all we wanted to say. So i'm gonna try and cut down on the moaning as much as i can. So...if you're a special person to me...expect to hear it sometime soon. No...i didn't fly off my rocker...i just remembered that life is too short...and i am most certainly not guaranteed the 60 more years i believe i'm due. I spent way too much of my time worrying about things that in the grand scheme of things...aren't really that important.

So...on my path to enjoying life...this morning i almost peed on myself when i went to my car. There was a jalope (spelling??) outside of my building wrapped in saran wrap and then silly stringed on the saran wrap. However...when i came home from work 8.5 hours later...i saw something even more amusing...it was still there!! I wonder if the driver knows. hehehe.

Also yesterday i got my refund check. Woohoo for extra money! That ought to be enough to cover my car expenses of last weekend.

That's pretty much all i got for tonight. I'm running dry on ideas for my posts these days...so if anyone has any suggestions...please let me know...by the way...i'd like to say...what's the point of having a laptop if it can't sit on your lap...

So i have received a few questions about my away message post today. It would appear (as no surprise to me) that no one knows what soul crying is. So...here's a little run down of soul crying...be prepared to not understand...particularly if you're of the male persuasion. Alright...have you ever felt something real deep...it hurt you, touched you...whatever...invoked some serious emotion? Well...when ever something does that to me...and it almost feels like my soul is weeping be it with joy or sorrow. So...i call that soul crying. It doesn't necessarily mean you are sad per se...and it doesn't involve crying outwardly. I have only experienced "soul crying" about 3 times in my life. Today i felt it because i saw all the destruction and devastation caused by an article in Newsweek. It just breaks my heart because all these people are dying...all b/c somebody didn't get all their facts straight. So i'm upset on two accounts...1) that someone didn't tell the truth on something so stupid and 2) that so many people are willing to kill all over words printed in a magazine. So...no...my heart is not broken...and i'm not crying...but i am inwardly weeping for the woes of the world. It's times like these that i feel very weak and helpless. I do my part as an American and i vote...but that doesn't really seem to matter all that much. But anyway...enough on the soul crying. I know a few people who might understand it...but not many. So anyway...work is going good...i'm actually busy for a change. I gotta run...i might post a little later

Happy Friday 13th! And for those of you who don't know (which i'm sure is most of you)...tomorrow is Michel Tsvette (pronounced Mekell Svet) day. Tsvette is the father of chromatography and tomorrow is his birthday! I think he'd be like 150 or something if he was still alive. Anyway...since it's on a weekend, monday is Tsvette Day observed. At least in our lab it is. So today i started my first real case work. It was a little intimidating, but it felt pretty good. I just did marijuana cases today. So i finished all my analysis...and on Monday i just have to do some reports and i'll be done with my first batch of cases! How exciting is that?! So...we had some pretty rockin' thunderstorms today. It would have been way cooler if my power hadn't gone out for 3 hours. But i did get to read by candle light for a while. It would have been even better if i had someone to snuggle up with (besides my dog). Thunderstorms make me feel lonely when i don't have someone to share them with b/c there's nothing more romantic? (i guess that's the only way i can describe it) than watching a thunderstorm while cuddled up to someone under some blankets. Sadly columbo wasn't much up to cuddling with me during the storm. He preferred to sit on the recliner and stare out the sliding glass door at the sheets of rain coming down. And then proceeded to freak out when the power went out. Ah well...that's what happens when you have a weiner dog that is really a weiner. So tomorrow i'm getting my car fixed...i would like to reiterate that this being an adult thing kinda sucks a lot. Just when i get some money saved...something comes up that i'm not expecting. So i guess the plan to get out of debt is still to marry a rich man. Any rich men out there looking for a woman with a low paying job, who can't cook and hates to clean and a ton of school debt? Yeah...i didn't think so. I guess i should prolly figure out how to cook...or love cleaning if i'm gonna have any luck. ;-) I should prolly get on that. So...back to getting my car fixed...i'm not real sure what possessed me...but my appointment is at 8ish tomorrow morning. What the hell was i thinking?? That means i have to get up the same time i normally would for work. Now...usually i only sleep until 7:30, but that's still an hour later than i sleep during the week. At least i was smart enough next weekend to schedule a groomer's appointment at 12:30 instead of 7 like the woman wanted me to do. Does anyone who reads this blog watch Lost? Does anyone freakin' know what's up with Kate and Sawyer?? Oh...and i'm a little pissed that we still haven't figured out exactly what Kate did to get in serious trouble. Freakin' A. I haven't been this obsessed with a show since the 3rd season of CSI! So in the last 3 days...i've seen this one kid (whom i refer to as fatty bobatty, he's not really that fat...but i just think the word is funny. Right now i'd call paris hilton fatty bobatty if she got in my way) crossing the street close to my apartment complex. I've never seen him before until just a few days ago when he made me block traffic while he mosied (spelling?) across the street. It's amazing how you never really notice people until you start looking. I can think of one particular example. A while ago there was someone that i saw almost everyday. I talked to them almost everyday...but i didn't actually realize they were inhabiting the same planet as me until one day they weren't there anymore and i noticed that i missed being around them. Has anyone else ever done that? I always feel really guilty when that happens...b/c i feel so selfish. You know you're so caught up in your own life that you barely notice anything around you. For example, fatty bobatty has probably been crossing the street at 4:45ish almost everyday and i've been living here for 4 months...and i never noticed him until earlier this week. And now that i know he's there...i notice him everyday. Very interesting really. Well...i suppose that's my deep thinking for the night. I know...i just totally blew your mind with that...but hey...maybe one day you can all be the thinker that i am. All it requires is some smoke and a butt to blow it up. So...go gather yourself some sticks...

So...even though I didn't sleep very much last night, when i woke up this morning i felt full of life. The last time i remember feeling like that when i woke up was over a year ago. I always forget how great it feels. The mock trial went alright. However, the way i felt afterwards was very similar to a feeling i have experience before. When i was a freshman in college and i was taking my first chemistry class i took my very first test...and when i got it back...my stomach flipped and my heart sank immediately. In the class that i had chosen as my major and what i wanted to do for the rest of my life (or at least for a really long time) i had received a 33. Now...i had never gotten an F on anything in my life...and most certainly not a 33! I mean...that's answering 2/3 of the questions wrong!! I thought for sure i had made a big mistake in chosing chemistry as my major. And for the rest of the day i continued to feel like the dumbest person alive! Well...that's how i felt after my mock trial. I was once again humbled by the knowledge that i don't have. Now...despite my awful start to chemistry, i did manage to graduate and actually with a decent GPA, so i'm hoping that will be how it works out with my job too. So i will be starting case work tomorrow. It's definitely intimidating. We got a speech yesterday about how you only have one chance to build up your reputation and it only takes one mistake to loose it forever. Also that our jobs affect the lives of everyone we encounter and that we should make sure we believe what we're saying one hundred percent, or we could put someone in jail for something they didn't do. Now...if that doesn't make get a nervous twitch i don't know what does. So anyway...today i decided that i needed to integrate some new words into my vocabulary. I've decided that i think "fatty bobatty" and "bad mamajama" fit in quite nicely. hehehehe. Don't ask me...i don't even freakin' know. If you will i'm feeling a little "high on life" today. Which is pretty amazing...b/c i haven't felt that way since the day i graduated. So...shitty weather...take that!!! Sadly...i don't have anything utterly profound to talk about today. But that's not really different than any other day. I believe that any and all wittiness that i once had was cruelly zapped out of me by 6 months worth of idleness. Well...CSI is on...so i need to watch it so i can continue my job training ;-)

List o' happiness (in no particular order):

Columbo
my baby girdinnia
Jackie and Sara (even though they live far away)
the dog park
being done with training
mexican food
miller lite
warm weather
the sun soaking into your skin
mango/papaya decosphere
Lost
crawling into the bed after a long day
snuggling with my dog b/c he never steals the covers
great dane puppies
earl grey tea
purple
starting to get my life back in order
X102.3
coming home to my apartment and enjoying the silence
purple (oh wait...i said that already)

Well...as promised i was going to put some lyrics up here today. However, i still can't seem to come up with one song that really encompasses my feelings. So...i'm going to make a conglomeration (yeah...that's an SAT word) or a whole bunch of different lyrics.

I tear my heart open/i sew myself shut/and my weakness is that i care too much

just fade away/please let me stay/caught in your way

How come i never hear you say/i just wanna be with you/i guess you never felt that way

To be yourself is all that you can do

I got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream/you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem/this mind this body and voice can not be stiffled by your deviant ways/so don't forget what i told you don't come around i got my own hell to raise

Just call my name you'll be okay/your scream is burning through my veins/sooner or later you're gonna hate it/go ahead and throw your life away/driving me under leaving me out there/go ahead and throw your life away

This should have been my time/it's over it never began

and more importantly than anything...

And the daffodils look lovely today

So tomorrow...i believe that i'm going to make a list of all the things that make me happy. I've decided that my time to wallow in my sorrow has now ended...and i'm gonna try and concentrate on the good things that i have now. So...be prepared tomorrow for a much more uplifting post than you've seen of late. Tomorrow is the big day. Strangely i'm not as nervous as i feel i should be. Which usually means that tomorrow i will have a panic attack of epic proportions. That's the way it always works.

Whoa...i totally forgot some uber important lyrics.

I wanted you to know/i love the way you laugh/i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this/it was only a kiss/it was only a kiss

A little more government angst for today. What else is new?

So...today (or this morning rather) Bush is in the country of Georgia to celebrate their new found democracy. Just recently the people rose up and over took their former soviet government and have now elected their first president. Now...i could be wrong on this point, but...did the United States ever send aid for this country? I don't think so (or if we did it was very unofficial). So...a tiny country, that no one has ever heard of until now can reform their government without the help of the United States. So why do we feel the need to interfere with other Civil Wars? Haven't we figured out before that we need to stay out of stuff like that? I mean...come on! Vietnam? Now Iraq and Afghanistan? For pete's sake! I just get so frustrated b/c our boys are dying over there for something that isn't even our business. Yes, go get the terrorists, they deserve to be punished. But don't make this a democratic crusade! We all know what happened the last time people went crusading. Thousands of innocents died, and now Orlando Bloom is making a movie about it. Alright...enough about that. I'm sure everyone who reads this already knows what I think about Bush so i don't need to reemphasize. So more on the news. I am thoroughly disgusted with the state of things. When two children can't go for a bike ride without being stabbed to death, that says something about our society. Nothing gets me more angry then when children are murdered. If there are any groups of society that should be safe, it's children, the elderly, and animals. Why would you ever want to hurt any of these people? I'll tell you why, b/c you're a sick bastard and I'm not really in support of the death penalty, but i could be. Alright, enough about that. Tomorrow is my mock trial and then assuming everything goes well I'll be "on-line" and starting on supervised case work. I'm a little nervous. Ah well...what can you do. I feel the need to put a song up here, but I just can't seem to find one that fits all the things i'm feeling right now, so I may post one up later.

So...i'm going to relate a story about what happened to me yesterday. Some of you will probably find this mildly amusing.

So yesterday after work, I decided to take my dog to the dog park. When i get there, a young man is sitting on a park bench by himself and he sees me. So he comes over and starts to talk to me. Well, i was first a little put off by what he was wearing, b/c he was wearing silver athletic shorts that were a little clingy in places they shouldn't have been, and a white t-shirt with a mustard stain on it. But...maybe he just came from the gym and had a hot dog on the way over or something like that. So i thought i'll talk to him b/c pretty sure i don't have any friends. So he starts talking to me, and he introduces himself and shakes my hand. He had the sissiest handshake i've ever experienced from a man. People with bad handshakes really frustrate me. So anyway, he starts talking to me, and we get on the subject of work. So i ask him what he does, and he says that he's a customer service rep for Delta Airlines. He takes care of tickets, luggage, and cleans the plane. Well, at this point (and lord i need to keep this under control) i kind of made a face and said "oh, i wouldn't want to do that" I know. Shame on me. I shouldn't judge people by their jobs and his job is just as important as mine, but lord...i couldn't help it. So he says "well, we can't all have technical jobs. But i assume that you do. Probably a degree from ITT Tech?" At this point a chuckled a little...b/c i definitely did not go to ITT Tech. But i said no...i had a bachelors in chemistry and that i worked for the State Police as a drug chemist. He said, "oh, i've been trying to get with the Fort Wayne Police Department, but they won't let you join until your 21." At this point he lifts up his sleeve to show me his lovely tattoo of the marine insignia (i think that's what it's called...the globe, anchor, and eagle) and says that he can serve in Iraq but he can't work for the police. So i asked how old he was, and he said he's 20. Hm....well...so moving on...he says to me..."I'm having a hard time getting into the police force b/c well...i don't know what the word is...i guess their just too....(wait for it...are you ready??) competicious" Yes my friends....he said...competicious. And then he says, "so...a bachelors...that takes 4 years to get right...and you left right out of high school...so i guess that makes you what...25, 26?" I kinda looked at him and said..."um...i'm 22" And he was like...oh yeah...i guess 18 and 4 is 22. He then informed me that he had the money for college and the time...just not the motivation or ambition to go. I realize college isn't for everyone...but...don't you have to have a degree to work for the Police? I'm pretty sure you do. Which is one of the reasons you have to wait until you're 21. I don't know...i could be wrong. And that pretty much summed up our conversation. But...i should have taken a hint to those clothes and headed for the hills. It only goes to prove that indeed you are what you wear. Alright...and now for all you out there who think i'm ridiculously superficial...in my own defense I'd like to say...i did try really hard to be nice to this guy and carry on a conversation...but when your intelligence is equivalent to that of a fish...it makes it very difficult to talk about anything meaningful. So that was my excitement for yesterday.

So...for the last week or so i have lost my ability to sleep well. I have to force myself to bed at my "scheduled" time and then i toss and turn all night. And i've consistently been waking up at 2:15 am. I'm not really sure why that time is important...but it just seems to be the norm. More interesting though is my really weird dreams. So i'm gonna let y'all be my modern day joseph and do some dream interpretations for me. So, i'm driving in my car minding my own business, when i come to a stop light I can't tell what color the light is so i slow down. To my surprise, the stop light crashes to the ground right in front of my car! Well, people come over and check to see if I'm okay. And I'm fine b/c it landed in front of my car not on it. So of course everyone gasps at how lucky I am and my "guardian angel must be looking out for me" Well, i continue on my drive home, only to realize that my right eye is burning a little. Kinda like it feels when you have an eyelash under your contact lens. So i rub it a little, and it keeps burning. So i hurry up my drive home not sure why my eye is burning at all. When i get home, I look in the mirror, and there is a huge piece of glass sticking right in my pupil. So i call up my mom and tell her what's wrong and she tells me not to worry about it, that it's not a big deal and it won't kill me. But i have a huge piece of glass in my eye! Now...of course this could be some sort of divine message related to the "remove the log from your eye before the splinter in your brother's" type thing. Which i suppose could apply to my life b/c i've been awfully critical of those around me lately. I dunno...any takers on some insight? Also today, i saw a post that had a couple questions that i thought were interesting so I thought i'd answer them in here b/c the few who read this might find them interesting to.


1.) When you're old, what will you tell your grandkids that they'll think is stupid?
I'll probably tell them about the time when there wasn't any internet, and when cell phones didn't exist, and that to listen to the other side of an album you had to flip over the tape.

2.) Do you a.) Want kids, b.) Not want kids, or c.) Not have any idea whether or not you want kids. Those with kids can skip this one...
Yes, i want no less than 2 kids, but i'm thinking 3 sounds good. 2 boys and a girl.

3.) If you could be what you actually wanted to, what would you be?
Although i'm extremely happy in my career choice, i would be a novelist if i could. I love to write/tell stories. But sadly, i'm not very good at it.

4.) Describe your dream vacation. Where, how, and with whom.
I would love the chance to go to Ireland and visit the "homeland" if you will. I'd like to see the country side as well as Dublin and tour all the pubs and just enjoy life as an Irishwoman for a while. With whom...i don't really know. I guess anyone who would enjoy doing the same thing, and wouldn't get on my nerves.

5.) Tell me why your favorite band is the best band ever.
My favorite band has recently been changing a little. While i'll always love the Cranberries for their lyrics and what they stand for, I also love Seether. However they haven't put out a CD for a while so at this moment, i would say my favorite band is Audioslave. Everytime i hear something from them, i just instantly like it. In fact, their new CD is probably the first CD i'll have bought in a really long time. I like them b/c i find the vocals exceptionally melodic and the guitar parts make me want to learn to play the guitar. And most importantly, on more than one occassion the lyrics have "spoken" to me on a personal level that is hard to come by these days in modern music.

6.) What do you look for in a significant other? What do you wish you looked for?
Well, in a significant other i look for someone who makes me laugh and someone that i think would be a good father and a good husband. I wished i looked for what i really wanted, and that's someone who i think will love me with the same passion that i love them.

7.) If you were going to commit suicide, what would your note say if it could only hold one sentence?
Hmm...that's a toughie. Suicide notes are not something i usually think about. I suppose i put something like "Take care of my dog". Perhaps "I'm sorry i can't get over my own selfishness". Or...i could write "If only i could have eaten a steak" or something to that effect b/c that would tip some people off to suspicious behavior and then it could be revealed that i didn't commit suicide but that i indeed was murdered! It would be the ultimate CSI! How fitting for me. :-)

8.) What is your favorite food (or drink) and why?
Favorite food? well...let's see...this is gonna sound so dumb but my favorite food is definitely pinto beans and cornbread with fried potatos. I love it b/c when ever i eat it i think about home. My mom would always make it for my family b/c it's my dad's favorite so whenever i eat it i think about how much my mom and dad love me and how much i miss being close to them.

Feeling a little angst-y against the government (and everything in general more or less) so i'm gonna put a song up here that some of you will probably seriously disagree with. But that's okay. For the record, i support the troops...not the war. Work hasn't been overly exciting. Most of my work has been janitorial this week. I'm not above sanitation engineering. So...pretty much to sum up this week...i've been working on tying up some loose ends both figuratively and literally. Another mock trial will be coming up soon, and then i'll be out of training. I have a bottle of champagne just waiting to be opened. Visit to Terre Haute last weekend was nice. I got to hang out at my college bar with my college friends. I sound like some 50 year old coming back for homecoming. However, campus has a different feel to it now. And not b/c i'm alum. But, on that note, going back does give me some bitter sweet feelings. I feel a little non stalgic for my time there...and i regret some things...and thank God for other things. It's a very weird feeling in general b/c it's so mixed. On the whole though, i would say being on campus is very hard on me. But as with all Rose students (and former students) I'm a glutton for punishment, so i continue to go back. One day, i'll decide that i've had enough and I'll just be gone for good. Either that, or the feelings will just go away by themselves and i won't have to worry about it. So...in retrospect that last bit was totally cryptic, even to me, but eh...it does make some sense i guess to those who know. Alright well...time for controversial lyrics. Enjoy...feel free to post anti-democrat messages.

BYOB (Bring Your Own Bombs) System of A Down

Why do they always send the poor?
My God is of Bible blood with pointed ears
Victorious, victorious steel
Can your spending kneel?
Marching forward hypocritic
And hypnotic computers
You depend on our protection
yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine
Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses' dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
crying "Freedom!"
Handed to obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine
Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine

Blast off, it's party time
And we all live in a facist nation
Blast off, it's party time
And where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?

Why don't president's fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don't president's fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor?

Kneeling roses
Disappearing into Moses' dry mouth
Breaking into Fort Knox
Stealing our intentions
Every city, gripped in oil
Crying "Freedom!"
Handed to an obsoletion
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth

Everybody's going to the party have a real good time
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine
Where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?

Why don't president's fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why do they always send the poor? X4
They always send the poor!
They always send the poor!