There's a saying something about those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. Or something like that. Well...i've decided that sometimes that is crap. Because quite frankly, i just don't think people should look back. It's not always a pretty sight. I'm not a person who enjoys looking back. While there are good things behind me...there are some ugly things behind me too. These ugly things may have names...and may be people. So here's to not looking back...and instead always looking forward. To hell with repeating history, i'd rather repeat it, than relive it.

I've been having very vivid dreams. For those of who you know me well, you know that it is not unusual to have sleeping problems. I have had some semblance of a sleep disorder since i was about 12. You name it...insomnia, nightmares, sleep walking, not staying asleep, excessive daytime drowsiness, and now ridiculously vivid dreams. Now some of you may think vivid dreams are very cool (and by vivid dreams i mean, they feel real and i wake up feeling like i have actually done whatever was going on in the dream. After discussing dreams with several people it has become clear that i dream very differently than most people), but in reality they are not. I wake up exhausted. I don't feel rested at all. I fall asleep at work, i have fallen asleep driving home from work in traffic, and i almost always need a nap after work. I get 7.5 hours of sleep a night, work out regularly, and eat healthy. So i can only assume it is the dreams that are making me tired. Well, last night i went to bed, and dreamed what i would consider normally. Not excessively vivid, and today i feel completely refreshed! I couldn't believe the difference! I didn't have a hard time waking up, i wasn't tired in the afternoon, i didn't take a nap, and i even had energy to do the dishes and other chores. It was amazing!! I supposed this is how i'm supposed to feel all the time. It's one of those things that you don't realize how tired you really are until you aren't tired anymore.

I've done a little internet search on vivid dreams disturbing sleep, but i haven't really seen anything that rings any bells. Research does say that vivid dreaming does in fact disturb sleep, and there are many reasons for this dreaming. But none of them apply to me. Reasons include menopause, certain medications, and stress. I'm too young for one, i'm on no new medication, and i'm more relaxed than i have been in years. So i'm out of ideas at this point. I did manage to sleep great last night though, so i'm hoping to repeat this again tonight.

Don't wish me sweet dreams...please wish for no dreams.

So i haven't posted in a while. But here i am! My hand is good. So far no problems. Every once in a while it feels a little funny, but it seems that it has finally decided to behave. Work=good. Alex=good. There are the updates.

Pet Peeve of the day:

People who stand at the exit ramp of the highway with their sob story signs begging for money. All the while they are smoking a cigarette, and standing on a corner that has a McDonald's with a "Now Hiring" sign. I refuse to give money to someone, when all they have to do is turn around and say "would you like fries with that?" Wouldn't it be easier to work in a fast food restaurant than to stand out in 95 degree weather in the direct sun for hours hoping to make a few bucks. At least at McDonald's, you work inside and are guaranteed a certain amount of money. Rant over.

I am watching the news and they are discussing the start of the new school year and all the hopes for that especially with the new uniforms. In the background is a big pregnant teenager, not in uniform. Now thats hope for ya.

Happy 4th of July! I had to go back to the surgeon this week. The news was not good. He told me that i'm going to have to be in pain for the next 20 years until my joint deteriorates enough to be replaced. And when it does hurt, i'm supposed to take Aleve to "take the edge off".

Now...i am not trying to have surgery. In fact that's the last resort to me. I'd much prefer something like a cortisone shot...or voodoo. I don't really care at this point...as long as it feels better. I've been in pain for a year now...and the thought of hurting for another 20 years is just down right depressing. I'm a chemist and i work with my hands everyday. It's part of my job. On top of work...i like to play tennis, crochet, cross stitch, and scrapbook. These activities involve working with my hands. So having my hand hurt to the point where i can't do these activities or work for 10-15 days out of the month is just unacceptable to me. Surely there's got to be something that can be done.

I'm alright with not having surgery. And if i do in fact have to wait 20 years until my joint deteriorates "enough" (whatever that is) then can't i get some pain relief while i wait for the inevitable? I'm no doctor...but i don't think i'm asking too much. Honestly i feel like the surgeon thinks i'm just being a baby about my hand. I don't feel like he's taking me very seriously. So i think i'm going to seek a second opinion. I don't like doing that...but surely something can be done to at least control the pain. Right?

I haven't posted song lyrics in a while. I've posted this song before...but it's been a long time. However instead of the whole song i'm only going to post excerpts that strike me for one reason or another.

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, i've walked this floor
I used to live alone before i knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
what's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when i moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Maybe there's a god above
and all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

In unrelated news, Nancy Grace is the biggest bitch alive. Seriously...is that woman human?
I hate dreaming of ex-boyfriends...it puts me in a retrospective funk for a day.
My hand is hurting sporadically, and the surgeon is give me nothing. He says i need to wait for it to hurt for an entire week. I'm on day three. And should i mention it's hurting worse and in a less localized area than before. Yeah...I'm broken and no one knows why.

I'm not really a sports person. I don't watch them on TV...i don't generally keep up with teams (except the Colts...and that's mostly b/c you can't live in Indy without hearing about every time Peyton Manning blows his nose). However...tonight i found discussion of the NBA draft picks tolerable. Is this a change of heart for me about basketball? Not likely. In fact...other than soccer, basketball has got to be the most boring sport to watch. So then why in the world would i ever want to watch basketball politics...which is easily 10X more boring than an actual basketball game. The reason? Because all they could talk about was fashion! What is Greg Oden wearing? What is Mike Conley Jr. wearing? Well let me tell you...Greg Oden is wearing a gray suit...nothing too flashy. Oh and the other guy (who's going to be the number 2 draft pick) is wearing a tan suit with a red tie. Once again...something sophisticated, nothing to fancy. And why do we care what these men are wearing? And when did the sports guy on Channel 13 news become Joan Rivers? I will say though...taking this approach may help the ratings. I mean...get these guys a red carpet and see how many people watch then!

Ah...memorial day weekend. I've had people ask me what i did this weekend. I think the more appropriate question is what didn't i do. Friday night Alex (two mentions in my blog in a row...he's becoming a regular) came down and we went to Moser's party. It was lots of fun involving Blue Moon and inverted jello shots (which i did not participate in).

Saturday was May Day. Chevelle, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, and Chris Cornell was there. Chevelle was good (what we saw of them anyway), Breaking Benjamin was awesome as always, and Three Days Grace rocked! Chris Cornell however....not so much. I have often thought that the reason i liked Audioslave was b/c i liked Tom Morello, now i know that for a fact. He was alright...but he wasn't great. We actually left about 3/4 through his set and our car was parked near his tour bus. As we were leaving some 16 year old traffic directors told us to stop. So we wait, and wait...and wait. There are no cars coming...there is no one walking...nothing. Totally empty road in front of us. After about five minutes i get out of the car to see what the deal is. They tell me "We're waiting on an escort for Chris Cornell." I say "But he's still on stage!" They tell me "well...he'll be done in a minute." And i say "By the time i get through here...he'll still be on stage!" They just say sorry and i go back to my car. A guy a few cars behind me had also gotten out to see what the deal was and he asked me what was going on. In my very classy way (and by classy i mean laced with profanity) that we are waiting on a @*#% escort for Chris Cornell, who is still on the !#@* stage. When i get back into my car...the 16 year olds decided to let me through. I suppose they can listen to reason after all!

Sunday morning i drove up to Fort Wayne and went to my old church and then i went to Sarah and Ryan's. We went to a cook out and then saw Spider Man 3. It was lots of fun except Ryan's friend. He refused to lean back in the theater chair b/c he might get lice. Are you serious? If you are that concerned about that kind of thing...you should not be out in society. Oh...and throughout the entire movie he kept making comments like "This is gay." Seriously?? Seriously! Freaking ridiculous! There were two people sitting between us and i could hear him loud and clear. Completely unnecessary. Nothing irritates me more than someone who feels the need to criticize everything. Clearly you think your opinion is so important that all the rest of us want to hear it. No thanks. Today we just laid out in the sun and took a nice walk.

I'm pretty wore out now.